After a long, humbling but rather embarressing conversion with my Brother about the state of my life, I've heeded his advice and feel somewhat proud of myself. My tasks these days may seem mundane and effortless but after 11 months of being stripped bare, these 'baby steps' are playing a large roll in getting back into reality. My tasks for this week were:
1 illustration
email mags for internships
search for work
read
start teaching myself to knit
get out of the house for more than 1 hour
take plenty of photo's
write
So far I am up to my 2nd illustration, have already emailed mag for internship, (however I feel a little doubtful, this is not to say that I won't get one in the future. I plan to work at my favourite magazines before too long. I feel it's just a little too early.), begun knitting, have done plenty of reading, taken only a few photo's...AND it's only Monday.
Monday 7 July 2008
Saturday 5 July 2008
Friday 4 July 2008
Clouded by blue sky.
339 days, 9 hours and 16 minutes is how long I've been in Heidelberg. That's 339 days, 9 hours and 16 minutes I've had to consider everything down to how fast the blood clot under my finger nail will take before I get the rewarding pleasure of picking it out from underneath the nail.
My time in Heidelberg has been an experience I will never forget. Nothing in my life is comparable to how my brain has functioned these last 11 months. I've gone to all extremes in order to avoid the issue of my laziness. I still have daily battles with myself about whether I am just plain lazy or terrified of what lays outside my comfort zone. It's also a scary reality that my once large and accepting comfort zone has been squandered away to nothingness. A mere pin prick in the wall where only little light is welcome. It's not hyperbole but reality. I'm like the pip of a lemon being pulled up and down in a glass of fizzy water. Blissfully, but swiftly, raised up by the bubbles with the promise of air, and of getting my life into gear, then just a quickly being pulled back down to drown some more, in nothing other than this space I've created for myself.
It's not all bad. I've chosen to be in this place, which up until now I've been unaware of why.... That's not true all. I've chosen to follow the love of my life. But something tells me that I on the right track. I'm a true believer in FATE, (albeit I must admit I'm caught once again between my own personal beliefs about fate and life which always resonate so strongly inside me and of those whom I adore, look up to and are the closest to me. To them, fate and the unexplained, is merely a concept that is irrelevant). I've always been able to make secure and good decisions based on my emotion and not logic. Somehow, over the last 11 months, this ability which I was so fond of, was lost. It's only now, that I feel once again the tingle inside me which is indicating to me that my dormant existence is waking up. I'm glad and grateful for my hibernation but I believe it is time now to gentle encourage myself to take a big yawn and further myself into the world. I will work my way out of this situation and show myself that I am more than a lazy house cat!
Having decided this is one thing, but putting my words into action is a whole new ball park for me.
'Clouded by blue sky' is an oxymoron to help paint the picture of my surroundings. The ramifications of my behavior over the last 11 months has led to much regret and saddness. In all honesty, I have, for the use of a better word, been 'blessed' by my surroundings. In fact, I couldn't think of a more appropriate surrounding for me. I'm a 2 minute walk from dense forest, hills, lush amazing undergrowth, ruins of castles, vineyards and veggi patches, a 10 minute ride to H&M (very important and high up on the priority list!), 5 minute ride to an amazing organic whole food store, and all the time in the world to do what I've always wanted to do. Every morning the church bells get me out of bed and every night they signal the time of my retirement. I wake to the numerous birds beating me to the breakfast table and the crisp air pulling at the doona cover searching for my face. This is a magical suburb but it's arrival is somewhat premature in my life. I feel I am not ready for a resting place of this stature. I've been prematurely plateaued and am scared to death of the prospect of not finding the next step up. In simple terms, my head is where the clouds drift daily, clouding my thought and vision, even though the sky set's upon it's daily task of convincing me that everything is fine.
So, for the first time in a very long time, I've written something. I hope it make some sort of sense, but judging on the peak hour Autobahn movement of thoughts in my head, I won't be surprised if it's a literary disaster.
This is one of many entries (hopefully). I've done this in an attempt to start the creative juices flowing again. I hope that I live up to my end of the bargain. I hope my entries become full of inspiring things that make you happy as well as myself. I hope.....
My time in Heidelberg has been an experience I will never forget. Nothing in my life is comparable to how my brain has functioned these last 11 months. I've gone to all extremes in order to avoid the issue of my laziness. I still have daily battles with myself about whether I am just plain lazy or terrified of what lays outside my comfort zone. It's also a scary reality that my once large and accepting comfort zone has been squandered away to nothingness. A mere pin prick in the wall where only little light is welcome. It's not hyperbole but reality. I'm like the pip of a lemon being pulled up and down in a glass of fizzy water. Blissfully, but swiftly, raised up by the bubbles with the promise of air, and of getting my life into gear, then just a quickly being pulled back down to drown some more, in nothing other than this space I've created for myself.
It's not all bad. I've chosen to be in this place, which up until now I've been unaware of why.... That's not true all. I've chosen to follow the love of my life. But something tells me that I on the right track. I'm a true believer in FATE, (albeit I must admit I'm caught once again between my own personal beliefs about fate and life which always resonate so strongly inside me and of those whom I adore, look up to and are the closest to me. To them, fate and the unexplained, is merely a concept that is irrelevant). I've always been able to make secure and good decisions based on my emotion and not logic. Somehow, over the last 11 months, this ability which I was so fond of, was lost. It's only now, that I feel once again the tingle inside me which is indicating to me that my dormant existence is waking up. I'm glad and grateful for my hibernation but I believe it is time now to gentle encourage myself to take a big yawn and further myself into the world. I will work my way out of this situation and show myself that I am more than a lazy house cat!
Having decided this is one thing, but putting my words into action is a whole new ball park for me.
'Clouded by blue sky' is an oxymoron to help paint the picture of my surroundings. The ramifications of my behavior over the last 11 months has led to much regret and saddness. In all honesty, I have, for the use of a better word, been 'blessed' by my surroundings. In fact, I couldn't think of a more appropriate surrounding for me. I'm a 2 minute walk from dense forest, hills, lush amazing undergrowth, ruins of castles, vineyards and veggi patches, a 10 minute ride to H&M (very important and high up on the priority list!), 5 minute ride to an amazing organic whole food store, and all the time in the world to do what I've always wanted to do. Every morning the church bells get me out of bed and every night they signal the time of my retirement. I wake to the numerous birds beating me to the breakfast table and the crisp air pulling at the doona cover searching for my face. This is a magical suburb but it's arrival is somewhat premature in my life. I feel I am not ready for a resting place of this stature. I've been prematurely plateaued and am scared to death of the prospect of not finding the next step up. In simple terms, my head is where the clouds drift daily, clouding my thought and vision, even though the sky set's upon it's daily task of convincing me that everything is fine.
So, for the first time in a very long time, I've written something. I hope it make some sort of sense, but judging on the peak hour Autobahn movement of thoughts in my head, I won't be surprised if it's a literary disaster.
This is one of many entries (hopefully). I've done this in an attempt to start the creative juices flowing again. I hope that I live up to my end of the bargain. I hope my entries become full of inspiring things that make you happy as well as myself. I hope.....
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