Kids

tired feet vs active minds

The three legged art critic roaming the interior of the Lourve, Paris.
September 08

I don't want to grow up

One day the wall in front of my desk began talking as the silence grew bored of my company. It said that I had 5 visitors knocking at it's foundations. Apparently they had been waiting for me to come home for about 2 years Naturally, I welcomed them in for tea and cupcakes and naturally they have not left.

Warning...An essay is approaching.

It's time to write again. My, how things have changed since the last essay I wrote. My head is rapidly clearing and I am now understanding why I was put here in Germany. It was not premature at all. In fact, the timing of my arrival in Heidelberg could not have come at a better time. A year of reflections and asking questions of 'why me' has led me down the track of dealing with what I've always avoided dealing with. The past!

As mentioned before, my beliefs and my self worth have been challenged over the last year to the point where I found myself and my opinions insignificant in this world. It has only been in the last few months where I have allowed myself to take in big breaths that I realise I am just as important as everyone else and the only validation I need is from myself. Today I stand with the strength and knowledge that I am stronger than yesterday. Today I stand with the knowledge that tomorrow will be even better than today. Each day is it's own. Each day presents it's own tasks. And each day is seen as an individual. I no longer see the week as daunting and unaccomplischable, but see the day as it's own and use it to it's fullest.

So...to the juicy stuff, for me anyhow. I applied for my first 'adult' job the other day. I actually took the dreaded step and put myself out there. I smile ear to ear when I finish an illustration or complete something that seemed to pop into my head only moments before completion. I am inspired daily by others work, which in the past would only make me more wound up and jealous and seemingly unproductive. I see daily how nothing is new but mearly interpreted differently by everyone. This gives me courage to pursue my ideas which in the past I would have critise as being like everything else. My interpreation is mine!

What lays ahead? A whole lot more! A move to London to embark on what I've always known I am capable of....That's about it really. Well actually there is a lot more, but perhaps I've exposed myself just about enough. I will keep the others reasons to myself, for now.

NOW....ENOUGH WITH ALL THIS SHIZ I TELL YA AND GIVE ME SOME CREATIVE STUFF!

Skull

Oh, how the colours make my heart flutter.

I get so damn excited and inspired when I see vibrant colours that I want to
scream so the world can hear me! Both these photo's were taken
in Berlin 2007.

A vomit of fluro's

A Future as bright as tugs.

Journey to the end of Monday

After a long, humbling but rather embarressing conversion with my Brother about the state of my life, I've heeded his advice and feel somewhat proud of myself. My tasks these days may seem mundane and effortless but after 11 months of being stripped bare, these 'baby steps' are playing a large roll in getting back into reality. My tasks for this week were:

1 illustration
email mags for internships
search for work
read
start teaching myself to knit
get out of the house for more than 1 hour
take plenty of photo's
write

So far I am up to my 2nd illustration, have already emailed mag for internship, (however I feel a little doubtful, this is not to say that I won't get one in the future. I plan to work at my favourite magazines before too long. I feel it's just a little too early.), begun knitting, have done plenty of reading, taken only a few photo's...AND it's only Monday.

The lifting of 27 years of fog.

Alas, the time has come!

Whisp me away sweet futuristic fahrrad.

Clouded by blue sky.

339 days, 9 hours and 16 minutes is how long I've been in Heidelberg. That's 339 days, 9 hours and 16 minutes I've had to consider everything down to how fast the blood clot under my finger nail will take before I get the rewarding pleasure of picking it out from underneath the nail.

My time in Heidelberg has been an experience I will never forget. Nothing in my life is comparable to how my brain has functioned these last 11 months. I've gone to all extremes in order to avoid the issue of my laziness. I still have daily battles with myself about whether I am just plain lazy or terrified of what lays outside my comfort zone. It's also a scary reality that my once large and accepting comfort zone has been squandered away to nothingness. A mere pin prick in the wall where only little light is welcome. It's not hyperbole but reality. I'm like the pip of a lemon being pulled up and down in a glass of fizzy water. Blissfully, but swiftly, raised up by the bubbles with the promise of air, and of getting my life into gear, then just a quickly being pulled back down to drown some more, in nothing other than this space I've created for myself.

It's not all bad. I've chosen to be in this place, which up until now I've been unaware of why.... That's not true all. I've chosen to follow the love of my life. But something tells me that I on the right track. I'm a true believer in FATE, (albeit I must admit I'm caught once again between my own personal beliefs about fate and life which always resonate so strongly inside me and of those whom I adore, look up to and are the closest to me. To them, fate and the unexplained, is merely a concept that is irrelevant). I've always been able to make secure and good decisions based on my emotion and not logic. Somehow, over the last 11 months, this ability which I was so fond of, was lost. It's only now, that I feel once again the tingle inside me which is indicating to me that my dormant existence is waking up. I'm glad and grateful for my hibernation but I believe it is time now to gentle encourage myself to take a big yawn and further myself into the world. I will work my way out of this situation and show myself that I am more than a lazy house cat!

Having decided this is one thing, but putting my words into action is a whole new ball park for me.

'Clouded by blue sky' is an oxymoron to help paint the picture of my surroundings. The ramifications of my behavior over the last 11 months has led to much regret and saddness. In all honesty, I have, for the use of a better word, been 'blessed' by my surroundings. In fact, I couldn't think of a more appropriate surrounding for me. I'm a 2 minute walk from dense forest, hills, lush amazing undergrowth, ruins of castles, vineyards and veggi patches, a 10 minute ride to H&M (very important and high up on the priority list!), 5 minute ride to an amazing organic whole food store, and all the time in the world to do what I've always wanted to do. Every morning the church bells get me out of bed and every night they signal the time of my retirement. I wake to the numerous birds beating me to the breakfast table and the crisp air pulling at the doona cover searching for my face. This is a magical suburb but it's arrival is somewhat premature in my life. I feel I am not ready for a resting place of this stature. I've been prematurely plateaued and am scared to death of the prospect of not finding the next step up. In simple terms, my head is where the clouds drift daily, clouding my thought and vision, even though the sky set's upon it's daily task of convincing me that everything is fine.

So, for the first time in a very long time, I've written something. I hope it make some sort of sense, but judging on the peak hour Autobahn movement of thoughts in my head, I won't be surprised if it's a literary disaster.

This is one of many entries (hopefully). I've done this in an attempt to start the creative juices flowing again. I hope that I live up to my end of the bargain. I hope my entries become full of inspiring things that make you happy as well as myself. I hope.....